PART 1 - How I Broke Free of a 20 Year Sex Addiction - And What You Can Do to Help Others!

How I Broke Free of a 20 Year Sex Addiction - And What You Can Do to Help Others! Part 1 -  By Matthew Robert Payne

It's a story of shame. It's quite difficult to have written some really Godly inspired teachings and then be led by the Holy Spirit to write about how hopelessly addicted I was to prostitutes for so many years of my life.
My older brother said once, that it would always be best to start my ministry with all my dark secrets exposed right up front, rather then to rise up into ministry and have some person get hold of my past and show the whole world what a bad guy I was. There was wisdom in those words a few years ago, and I laughed, but a few years ago I was still hopelessly addicted.
There were a number of things essentially wrong in my theology for many years that prevented me from leaving my addictions. I was missing some truth that I needed to have before I could leave. It will be later in this article that I will address these issues. But first let me paint a picture for you of the condition I was in, so that when one of the sexually addicted read this they will be able to resonate with my truth of my condition in their hearts and in doing so really take on board the scriptures I found to get to liberty.
My purpose for writing this is for the people trapped in addictions like me, for the partners of the people who are trapped in this addiction cycle, and perhaps your whole church if you have the courage to print it out and have the minister's approval to give it to every person in your church congregation. This will be largely addressed to a Christian man but in the near future I will have written one that will be easy for a non Christian to understand, one that you could perhaps make into a tract. To completely save money on printing you could simply read it to your congregation and give people the link to this article for them to go over it later.
Something was wrong with me from a very early age. When I was an early teen my sister and I were very close and did a lot of things together. One day she told mum we were going to have a shower together in our costumes and my mother agreed that was fine. We went into the shower and half way through she told me to turn around and wash under my costume and that she would not look. When I was finished she told me to turn around and not to look whilst she took off her costume and washed herself. Well I was quite an innocent guy up till that shower, but when she turned her back to me my curiosity led me to disobey her and God and I turned to look upon the nakedness of my sister.
My sister did not catch me looking but within a week she had told my mother that something had changed in her relationship with me and that I look at her differently now. Looking back I think lust had entered my heart.
I used to surf and often went to the beach without my brothers and when I went alone I always went to beach that had slightly smaller waves then the other beaches, but it always had less surfers to compete with for waves. I also went there because this cute younger girl from school used to surf there and I liked catching up with her and surfing with her. She wore a really bright yellow two-piece costume and she had rich dark olive skin to make a stark contrast with her costume and she was so pretty and such a good platonic friend of mine.
The trouble came one day when she was not at the beach and I paddled away from the biggest break on the beach with all the competition to a smaller and less frequent break at the other end of the beach that I could have all to myself. You see I didn't need the biggest waves for my ego, and I would rather catch one wave out of every three big ones that roll in every ten minutes, then wait half an hour for my turn with all the competition.
This break took me riding right into the shore of a little beach that was separated from the big beach by a few rocks. And one day when I rode to the shore I was greeted by two naked women who smiled at me and said hello. On this day I discovered a nudist beach and for a fourteen year old with hormones racing, a beach with nude girls on it that waved and said hello to you was something out of a story book. This beach became a place I began to visit a lot after my fill of surfing for the day.
My lust for women's naked bodies had began! About six weeks later a guy about thirty five years of age molested me on that beach and my head went a little crazy from that day on.
Three years later I moved to my capital city 600kms away from that country town and I was shown Sydney's red light district called Kings Cross by my cousin one day. I promptly went back the next day alone and in 1985 a women asked me if I was interested in a bit of fun. I asked her how much and she told me it would cost me $20 for sex. Well at that stage I had done plenty of sexual things with men, and spent myself masturbating to naked pictures from magazines, but I was a virgin to women.
I could not say no.
My grandmother had given me $1000 from an insurance saving account she had saved for me and I quickly calculated how many times I could come back with all that money.
But I soon learned these girls worked in strip clubs that were also brothels and that if you spent some money like $6.00 you could go in watch strippers for as long as you like and pick yourself the youngest and prettiest girl in the club that day. So the extra $6.00 spent got you your best pick and so it seemed worthwhile if you had the time to wait for the girls that might be busy already with a job to finish and present themselves.
I was becoming a sick little man.
I got a job where I was getting a few hundred dollars a week and after the $1000 was spent, I simply worked a prostitute into my budget each week. I justified this to myself simply by saying masturbation is a sin and so I am giving this girl money and its still a sin and so I am not a worse sinner as no sin is worse then another. At this point I had not seen the scriptures about joining oneself with a harlot.
Well when I got to 21 years of age my pay for my age as an adult took a leap and I was able to move into a higher class of prostitute. In 1988 I was paying not $20 for about twenty minutes in a brothel, I was paying $160 for an hour in my own home.
There exists a certain thrill for the addicted like me. I could ring this escort agency, enquire of the looks and full descriptions of all the girls working that night and even ask about their personalities and within an hour she was arriving with perfume, makeup and a really good looking dress at my flat. It gave me the biggest rush of adreniline to think that this really attractive smartly dressed sweet smelling young twenty old girl was going to have all her clothes off in ten minutes in my bed.
All addicted people have a cycle they go through. A rush and a high when they do their addiction, followed by a guilt and a feeling of worthlessness and poverty in many cases until they can partake of the addiction again. A drinker might be able to buy cheap wine and drink every day, but he gets a hangover and sick and guilt from what he does to loved ones in between each bout on the drink. Sadly the addicted are just as addicted to feeling or worthlessness as they are to the highs and so they need some serious work done on them. Let me continue.
I might have been different to many men who see prostitutes in that I seldom ever booked the same girl twice. Meeting a stranger was part of my addiction. This escort agency was very big and very busy and was situated to serve some very wealthy suburbs and so I never had to book the same girl twice. The thrill as I mentioned before was meeting a stranger and taking her to bed.
Not all my time was spent having sex. And if you didn't know this, over half the time men spend with working girls they spend talking. Some men simply like a person to listen and they will pay for someone to take an interest in their life. As a person who was sexually abused personally I have always liked the sexually abused girls I have met. Just as I have liked most gay men and lesbians that I have met also. Most of us have sexual abuse in common in our past. When you have something so painful in common, well that pain you share makes it easier to communicate. Okay back to the story again.
One day I got a phone call from the escort agency and they informed me that I was one of their best clients and as they are a large firm they always have new girls starting that have never been with a client before. Over the year I had only received glowing reports from the girls that I had seen and she told me that her agency always takes notice of what the girls say about the best clients. She said seeing that I ring them on an average of once a week, would they be able to put me on a list where they could ring me in advance of a new girl starting and if I liked what I heard about her physical description could I be kind enough to show the new girls the ropes.
Well I thought that all my dreams had come true at the time. I was not greeting prostitutes at the door any more, I was greeting innocent girls who had to pay for University some way and had decided to try out prostitution. These were the girls next door, the girls every guy at her school might have wanted to date, and I was the nice client that was showing her what an easy life prostitution was! At the time I felt like I had struck gold. Today I see this as one of the most wicked times in my life.
Sometimes I might meet a girl through work, a boss' daughter, a work colleague's daughter and she might become my girlfriend for a time. Sometimes when I was broke I might sleep with men. And whenever I had $160 to spare I had a fresh innocent girl and I led her into a life that was going to hurt her deeply and possibly turn her to drugs.
I read proverbs about six weeks ago and one verse said the immoral women would have you eating crusts of bread. I had to laugh because I had learned how to eat for about ten dollars for a week on cheap cereal and milk and all my life has been a life of poverty from this addiction of mine.
Once I met a really intelligent and highly educated lady in her late twenties in my taxi cab I was driving. She was all class and spoke like a business women. When I asked her what she did for work in 1998 she told me she was a high class escort that had flown 2000kms to meet a client for the weekend. I asked her how much she was going to earn and she told me $25,000.
It was 7pm on a Friday night, she was a highly paid executive in Melbourne where she lived and worked one night a week in Melbourne as an escort and most weekends on a working date for the weekend. Not all prostitutes are junkies, this girl had a very big portfolio of assets and was powerful in the business world but on weekends she spent quality time picking the brains of CEO's of major companies. There are escorts in my city of Sydney that charge upwards of $8,000 per hour and they only do a minimum booking of four hours a night. Now some of those girls are earning a lot of money. When high flying single or married movie stars come to town these are the sort of girls that come to their hotel room for a night.
I heard once that one in six men have used the services of a prostitute. That's a lot of guilty guys out there! Figures seem to show 90% of prostitutes come from a past that included sexual abuse. Many studies have shown that up to one in three girls are molested in the West, which includes my country Australia and the USA. That means that a lot of men are sexually abusing their children and I can tell you, if you have a church of a hundred men the statistics don't drop in the church. One study I read said that over fifty percent of street walking American prostitutes come from families where their parents attended church every Sunday as she grew up.
What is my point?
A lot of men in the church you attend have sexual hang-ups and many of them abuse young children. I am not saying I am innocent here I abused hundreds of little girls in adult bodies who had a legal age for sex, but I was transgressing the Holy Laws of God for twenty years. Few men that I have spoken to in my life have ever conquered masturbation and some teaching out there even says it's not a sin. I have an article on that called Adultery of the heart, a hidden sin, perhaps you can direct your men to that.
Okay that is my story. Here are some of the scriptures that led me toward true repentance.
The passage in scripture that put the fear of God into me two years ago was this.
Galatians 5:19-21
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
I was committing adultery with all these girls over the years. Now a visiting pastor preached that if you practice a sin, say sorry to God and then do it again in a cycle every week or very regularly, God will give you grace and peace and forgive you each time, but if your die whilst you are still in your addictive cycle like me, it does not matter if you are a born again Christian, YOU WILL NOT INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD ( ie. You will go to hell when you die)
This put a real fear in me that said to my spirit, if I do not conquer this addiction before I die I am going to hell. As a person who has already been to hell in a vision, I knew that was not a place that I wanted to end up in eternity.
I cried many crocodile tears for a couple of years. Last year in church I finally said to God in tears in a public prayer, " Jesus I cannot understand the levels of grace that you have for me. Every single week I sin and every single week your forgive me and then I go and do the same thing again. There exists in me no good thing. Indeed all of my goodness is filthy rags in your sight. Father please give me the grace I need and the power to overcome this addiction of mine and set me free as your Word says I can be."
For three months I was free of my sex addiction. Then something like some heavy rejection from a person made me trigger back to my old cycle again. But rather then weeping whole heartedly before the LORD again I went back to the crocodile tears sort of repentance and spent another year in addiction.
Many people will say that a born again Christian cannot go to hell, and will say I have picked up a false doctrine, but false doctrine or not Galatians 5:19-21 clearly states that if I go on and practice this sin of mine my inheritance will not be eternal life in heaven.
God will not be mocked.
Galatians 6:7-8
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.
This scripture seems to clearly support the one above only the person sowing to the Spirit's will are going to inherit eternal life. I know that if I blatantly sin when I have a knowledge of the sin that I am doing against, God, against the women and against myself, I am in essence mocking God!
Just because I said a sinner's prayer once, and have the gift of prophecy, tongues and healing, does not mean that I can disobey God every single payday for the rest of my Christian life. Is God's grace something we can use to put God in a corner and say, "You have to let us into heaven because we are saved!"
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