Hurt Gone Deep - Lisa U Maki
It is normal to get hurt. We have a heart that feels and so we will always feel hurt over things people do and say. However, if we are not careful, this hurt can go down so deep and turn into feelings of resentment, anger, and bitterness.
Though it is not good to bottle up your hurts and contain it to yourself, it is also not good to talk about it a lot. While expressing yourself may usher your healing, the opposite is true as well: it can make your hurts worse. It's like picking on a wound each time you talk about it.
So how do you balance between expressing your hurt and not talking about it a lot?
Let us look at Scriptures to answer this question.
Proverbs 10:18 says:
He who hides hatred is of lying lips, and he who utters slander is a [self-confident] fool (Proverbs 10:18).
Let me paraphrase this verse based on my understanding, and I believe I have the mind of Christ, as Scripture says.
If someone who hurt you asks you if you are hurt or feeling bad, don't deny it. Admit it. Otherwise, you will be bottling up your anger and eventually you will be speaking insults towards him/her.
Before I explain this further, let us proceed to the next Scripture.
Hatred stirs up contentions, but love covers all transgressions (Proverbs 10:12).
An unreleased hurt will stir up more conflict. This is what the verse in Proverbs 10:18 was saying. If you don't admit your hurt feelings, then you will be speaking slander against the person who has hurt you.
I want to give you a very clear example here based on my own personal experience in my marriage.
I don't just talk about my hurt feelings towards my husband with him. I bring it to God first and present my case before Him. I ask Him to expose to me what I did wrong and to show me why my husband did what he did. This allows me to express myself to God and to leave the matter with Him. Unfortunately, most of the time, I carry back my hurt feelings with me and it remains with me for days.
Several times my husband asked me if I was okay because he was sensing that I was not. And in almost all those times I told him I was okay even if I was not. This is what the Scripture above is saying about the lying tongue that leads to slander. In all those times too I found myself saying things to him that I regretted saying later on. I found myself putting him down, blaming him, or just simply irritated with him.
I am learning now, more than ever, to leave my hurts at the foot of the cross and not take it back with me. I am also learning that if my husband asks me about what I am feeling, that I should be honest with him about it. But, if he doesn't ask me, then I have to be led by the Spirit of God as to whether I should still talk about it or not. Most of my hurts are petty anyway.
So the balance that I am talking about here is this: Express your hurts to God and don't keep it to yourself. But, leave it with Him. Don't go around talking about your hurts with others, unless you are seeking counsel about it. However, you better choose who to talk to. It has to be someone who is strong in God and who will not just tell you what you want to hear. If that person doesn't point you back to the Word of God, drop it.
Another balance that I am referring to is this: If you are asked about your feelings, don't lie. But if you are not asked, it's better to keep it between you and God unless He leads you to talk about it. The next Scripture will further explain this kind of balance.
He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends (Proverbs 17:9).
1 Corinthians 13 talks about love as "not being easily offended". We get hurt when we get offended. They are tied together. To cover an offense means to release forgiveness, and when you do this you seek love. But when you repeat the matter and keep talking about your hurt, then you are causing division between you and the person who hurt you.
The problem with us women is we always want explanations to things. We want to know why people hurt us and why they continue to do so. I've heard women complain to me about their husbands, asking me why they continue to hurt them. They ask their husbands the same things over and over again.
Honestly, the reason why I don't even want to talk about my hurt with my husband is because I know he will never be able to explain it anyway. It's just the same way as I can't explain why I get hurt easily. I just feel it and it hurts. However, I still have to master the art of brushing off an offense effortlessly, and the art of learning to ignore it. This is where the problem lies most of the time.
Going back to the balance that I am talking about... if you keep your hurts between you and God, then God will take care of it. Each time you entertain the hurt you are going back to God and taking it back from Him. Leave it with Him and forget about it.
I know this is easier said than done. But if you are like me who is serious about obeying God, being healed from hurts, and finishing this race with flying colors, then it's something that you and I will be able to do.
At the end of the day, we are the ones who will benefit from this. If we learn to brush off our hurts quickly, express and leave our hurts to God, and forgive the offender, then we will be more at peace. The hurt will not go deep.
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