I was running late for a meeting when I got a call from my babysitter saying that my 10 year old ran away from home and left a note for me. I made a detour and rushed back home. My heart pounded so fast. I was feeling a host of emotions... guilt, anger, frustration, fear, and exasperation. "Why is he making things difficult for me? Can't he understand that I've had enough of his dad? Can't he see that his dad is at fault here"? These thoughts, and more, crossed my mind.
Finally I was home... and thank God my son was back too. I wanted to scold him so bad but I controlled myself. I hugged him, told him not to do it again, and warned him of the dangers of running away from home, most especially for his age.
My heart ached so bad. I knew he was trying to get my attention. I wanted to be there for him but I had to work so hard so I could continue providing for him and his one year old brother. Then it dawned on me that I was alone. I had to do it on my own... as a dad and a mom at the same time.
This is just one of the many painful incidents that happened to me and my children as a result of my separation from their dad. And this was just the beginning of my journey as a single mom to two boys... a journey that entailed a lot of balancing acts: a balance between feeling independent and having the sole responsibility of raising two kids; a balance between telling the truth to my children about their dad and concealing what may make them lose respect for their father; a balance between accepting my hurts and putting up a brave front; a balance between spending time with the children and managing my business; and a balance between being a father and a mother.
All those years I heard two voices inside of me: the mother who kept telling me, "You are not a teenager anymore. You have two boys you are responsible for"; and the young Lisa who kept saying, "You have been deprived of your youth. You deserve to enjoy life". It was a constant battle between the teenager in me that was forced to grow up early, and the mother in me who was doing her best to be responsible for her two boys. The more the adult Lisa in me tried to control the young Lisa in me, the more rebellious the young one got. But in her rebellion there was always that plaguing guilt. Vivid pictures of my boys played in my mind over and over again while I was sleeping with a man or partying with my friends. It almost drove me crazy. I wanted to run away but I could not. I felt trapped!
And then there was the corporate me, looking all strong and "put together". I projected an image of an independent woman who didn't need a man in her life. I was self-sufficient and successful. Married men wanted to be with me because I represented the type of woman who didn't care about commitment in relationships. I was also the envy of a lot of married women who wanted the freedom that I had.
With all these things going on in my life at that time, I still felt empty and lost. Though I didn't want to be with any man, I knew that my children needed some father figure... something I will never be able to provide them with. I also knew that they needed a more emotionally stable mom who spends quantity and quality time with them and not just bring them to nice places or buy them anything they want. I knew what was needed to be done but didn't know how to do it. I wanted to change but I kept failing. In fact, I met a man who treated me so good, and I got into a relationship with him. He was legally married to his wife but estranged from her, so I thought it was ok. I tried building a family with him and my boys. It was a made-believe world because we were not married. It actually made me more frustrated and insecure.
God was watching me all those times. And when His time came, He finally swept me off my feet. After four years of being a single parent, I got reborn. It was a personal encounter with Jesus that was waiting to happen. I was ripe for it.
I woke up the next day (after getting reborn the previous day) feeling so fresh and full of hope. I was ready to start a new life as a single mom. That was just the beginning. Day after day I was drawn closer and closer to the Lover of my soul. He started healing and restoring me. I lost the desire for everything outside of Jesus. I quit smoking, partying, drinking, and sleeping around. It's not even because "I had to". I just lost interest for it.
My boys saw the big change in mom. I led them to Jesus as well and both of them received Jesus sincerely in their hearts. I began bringing them to church with me and even having Bible studies and devotions with them at home. They also began to realize that their real dad is God the Father who will never leave them nor forsake them.
I will never forget one Scripture that God spoke so clearly to me one day...
For your Maker is your Husband--the Lord of hosts is His name--and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called. For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit, and heartsore--even a wife [wooed and won] in youth, when she is [later] refused and scorned, says your God. For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion and mercy I will gather you [to Me] again. In a little burst of wrath I hid My face from you for a moment, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer.
(Isaiah 54:5-8)
God became my husband and the father of my children. I was so content with Him and didn't even want to be married to anyone else. When He was finally so sure that no one can ever take His place in my heart, He sent me the man He has set aside for me. He knew I was ready for an earthly husband.
I have been married to my 2nd husband for almost four years now and our marriage is a testimony of how God heals and restores.
Lisa is a Professional Writer/Consultant with over 10 years of experience in Professional Writing Public speaking, and Human Resources in Organizational Development. She manages a Professional Writing business which includes Résumé Writing, Business Letter Writing, Essays, Business Plans, Website Content, Editing Jobs, Press Kits, and other writing requirements. Other than her business, Lisa is also an evangelist/preacher/minister. She has 10 years of ministry experience including pastoring a women's prison; conduct of Bible-based seminars and Bible studies in corporate offices; preaching engagements in churches, police camps, schools, and other organizations; outreach programs for poor families and children; and pastoring a church. Together with her husband, they drive around towns, cities, and eventually states, with their JESUS van, to bring the church outside where the people are. They head a ministry called God'z Gang whose main focus is to reach those who are not reached by traditional means and methods used by churches. In 2010, Lisa self-published a book entitled UNVEIL ME. It is a self-help, Bible-based book that talks about the woman's needs and wants, how these were distorted along the way, how these distortions have wounded her, and how she can experience true healing through Jesus Christ. It is a book that talks about her own hurts and the process of healing she went through and still going through. It also talks about stories of other women that every other woman can relate to. Lisa holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in English and some "masteral" units in Psychological Services.
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