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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Dealing With Arguments in Marriage

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Dealing With Arguments in Marriage -  Lisa U Maki


My husband is a confrontational man who can be very provoking, while I am a woman who always defends her side when confronted. He is a man who loves correcting others while I am not easy to receive correction. What a perfect concoction for God's miraculous move. Indeed, this placed a great challenge in our marriage and definitely put us on high risk. I didn't realize this deadly combination of issues and personalities until I saw the worst in both of us during our arguments. During those fights, the very love I feel for my husband instantly turns into hatred just over some petty issue that blew out of proportion. It hurt my heart like crazy, took my peace away, stressed me out, and made me feel stupid later on. The worst part about it is I always feel separated and divided from him after an argument.
I know there are couples who don't get into heated arguments or big fights. I won't say this is better than getting into the kind of arguments that my husband and I used to go through. On the contrary, those who never argue may be burying issues so deep that they never get resolved. I know a man who drifted away from his wife just because they never talked about their problems in their marriage.
For me, "arguments in marriage" is an attempt by the husband, wife, or both, to communicate and express their opinions about certain things or situations. It is a form of communication that is more of a misunderstanding than getting the message across. Unless the person just loves to argue, most arguments stem from a wrong perception of what the other one is trying to say. In short, arguments happen because of misunderstanding. To manage an argument then is to start understanding where the other person is coming from. Of course this is easier said than done when you are already in the middle of an argument, which is why dealing with arguments start prior to the argument itself. How do you do that?
I had to go through a lot of heated arguments and painful results for me to learn what I am going to share with you now. So thank God for letting me go through what I've been through. It was meant to make it easier for you to deal with and manage your arguments better.
The first step is for you to look back to the arguments you've had with your spouse. What caused it? What was your role in it? If you were the one who provoked him, examine yourself. If he was the one who provoked you, examine yourself still. Beneath your arguments are issues that God is exposing because He wants to heal them. Stop looking at your husband's fault for a moment and just focus on yours. Keep analyzing and examining yourself and ask God to reveal yourself to you. What triggers you to argue with your husband? Why?
In my case my biggest issue was fear of rejection. I didn't know this until God started revealing it to me. My being defensive when my husband corrected me was my way of defending myself from being attacked. I looked at my husband's correction as rejection. I felt he was not appreciating the good things but always looking at the negative things. I felt I was not pleasing him enough and that he doesn't love me. What a lie! Yet that was exactly how I felt each time he corrected me, which surely led to a heated argument.
I am not saying that all our arguments were my fault. Yet, my reaction towards it was a reflection of issues I had within me, issues that God was exposing so He can heal me thoroughly.
As I've said earlier, I've always felt separated from my husband after an argument. It was the after effect that was more painful than the actual argument itself. It was that aftermath when the enemy kept replaying in my mind every hurtful word my husband said, like a tape recorder playing over and over and over again. This was the part that tortured me and which made me cry out to God seriously for help. It was then that God opened my eyes to what my husband feels during our arguments... why he acted why he acted and why he said what he said. In short, God put me in my husband's shoes for me to see where he was coming from. I started understanding him and his issues more than ever and I started praying for him.
After examining yourself and after asking God to put you in your husband's shoes, I want you to meditate on 1 Peter 3:1-4
In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.
Pay attention to the phrase QUIET SPIRIT and what it does to your husband. If this is very difficult for you, ask God to see you through.
This Scripture was given to me by God when I was praying to Him one time and complaining about my husband. When I saw the words, QUIET SPIRIT, I cried. I knew then what God was telling me to do and it convicted me but almost discouraged me at the same time. It was just so difficult to have a quiet spirit when you have a husband who is very provoking during an argument.
What I've learned from this is that I can't have a quiet spirit during an argument if I don't have that quiet spirit in me as part of my character. God had to make it clear to me that having a quiet spirit does not mean not talking or being passive but having that inner strength that will silence anyone who plans to attack me. It was the same quiet spirit that Jesus had on Him when He was being provoked by His accusers and He remained silent. When I finally understood this, it became easier for me to have that quiet spirit.
Another thing I've learned is to detect the argument when it is starting. This is when I start praying in my mind for God's grace and strength. This is when I bridle my tongue and control my flesh who wants to defend herself or to answer back.
Honestly, it's pointless defending yourself or explaining your side in the midst of an argument. The best thing to do is let the argument subside and when things have settled down, then that's the time to talk.
Psalm 37:14 says: Seek, inquire for, and crave peace and pursue (go after) it!
Avoiding an argument from escalating is a way of putting this Scripture into action.
Recently, my husband was telling his Aunt how my having a quiet spirit has helped pacify his anger and has convicted him and made him feel stupid. That's when I really knew that God has done a great work in me and continues to do so.
Lisa Maki is the founder of God'z Gurlz, a Bible-based online magazine for women whose mission is to is to provide a place where women can learn to manage their emotions, experience healing, receive love and acceptance, be free to be who God made them to be, and be the best they can be in their homes, schools, professions, relationships, and calling, through sharing of insights and experiences, counseling, prayer, and devotionals, thereby learning from and supporting each other. For more of Lisa's articles, visit http://godzgurlz.com/ Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lisa_U_Maki  Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7161672

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