Why Some People Struggle With Intimacy - By Christine M Hammond
Have you
met a person who only allows you to know so much before they push you away for
no real reason? Just when you thought you were getting close, they seem to pull
back to the beginning of the relationship refusing to go any deeper. If you
challenge them on it, you will be met with such resistance and denial that in
the end you might start to believe you are crazy. Well, you are not.
Interestingly
enough, a person who struggles with intimacy can be married, single, divorced,
widowed, have children, have friends, be involved in a church or their
community. They can look like the most involved active fun person to be around
but in reality it is all a front to keep you at arms' length. Erik Erikson's
sixth psychosocial stage of development is Intimacy vs. Isolation which occurs
during the ages of eighteen to mid-thirties. During this time period a person
usually explores the idea of being intimate with another person but marriage is
not necessarily an indicator if they have learned true intimacy.
The
Psychology. All of the psychosocial stages naturally build
on each other just like steps on a staircase as each positive trait that is
reached helps to support the positive outcome of the next. But in the case of
this stage, it is strangely essential that all of the other stages have
positive outcomes for a person to reach true intimacy. Some people do not want
a positive outcome, preferring to mistrust another person over trusting them,
and instead are more satisfied with isolation instead of intimacy. The cost of
intimacy in this example would mean they have to trust another person and this
cost is too high of a price to pay. So they pull back in any relationship that
requires them to trust another person.
True
Intimacy. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. Intimacy is when
you can be completely transparent before another person in your thoughts,
actions, emotions and beliefs. Even though you may have a fear of rejection,
abandonment, shame, guilt, doubt, or insecurity, you are still willing to set
the fear aside because intimacy is more valuable than the fear. Contrary to
many beliefs, the ability to give intimacy is not dependent on the other
person's response or character; rather it is dependent on the heart of the
person giving it. Sex is designed to be a reflection of that intimacy, a
special act that you reserve only for your most intimate partner.
True
Isolation. In contrast, isolation is the choice to separate, segregate or
seclude oneself from others. Usually this decision is born out of fear from a
traumatic experience either they personally encountered or one that they
witnessed. The likely result is that the traumatic experience also created a negative
result from the corresponding psychosocial stage thus reinforcing the belief
that isolation is preferable to intimacy. For instance a child who is molested
during the psychosocial stage of Initiative vs. Guilt feels guilty for the
molestation even though they are not responsible for the act. This guilt as an
adult tells them they are not worthy of intimate relationships and therefore
should prefer isolation because it is the safer option. A person can still get
married and have children even when they have chosen isolation over intimacy
but the closeness or attachment is never developed.
The Cure. So
how can a person who has chosen isolation learn to be intimate? They must want
it enough to process whatever trauma they experienced or witnessed and be willing
to heal from the past. They cannot do this for another person; rather it must
be a choice they make for themselves because they value intimacy over
isolation. A relationship with God is very helpful during this process as
learning to be intimate with your Creator is foundational to learning to be
intimate with others. Strangely enough, it is actually easier to be intimate
with your Creator over another person because He created you and knows you
already. Thus it requires less work on your part because you are already
transparent to Him.
Once the
foundation of intimacy has been laid with your Creator, the healing process can
begin and intimacy can be learned. It is quite a relief to live your life with
someone for whom you do not have to pretend to be anything but what you. Again,
your willingness to be intimate is not dependent on their response, but rather
it is a gift that you freely give.
Chris
Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/
over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children,
teenagers & adults. Reprint
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